For some reason, I haven’t been able to make posts from my personal computer on WordPress. It simply hangs when I go to the blog section. It works fine on my work computer but I prefer not using work resources for personal stuff. I finally decided to just write a blog post and just submit it to limit use of company property.
I visited the Montreal Comiccon for the first time in my life. I was actually a presenter at the event as I got my first professional gig as an improviser! /flex (I was paid with a free weekend pass). I took the opportunity to meet the woman I was waiting for. We both had a blast visiting the various kiosks and the video game demo floor. I was reminded by some of her qualities that originally attracted me to her.
I didn’t want to spoil the fun we were having by bringing up our past romantic relationship (and we were never in a private area to really talk about such a weighty topic). I waited for the metro ride home to lightly allude to it. We only got the opportunity to actually chat the next day. I asked how she felt about “us”, and should I continue waiting? Her response was she would really like to be friends. Despite the expected answer, it was still disheartening. I had still been holding out hope for renewed romantic interest. I agreed, as I cannot deny that we have a lot in common, great chemistry and share many interests but I needed some distance. The finality of it all, and never getting an answer to all the questions that had been swirling in my head was a much stronger blow than I expected even for such a brief romance.
Following the second piece of advice I had received, I decided to get back to dating. I met one woman with whom I had some decent chemistry but she kept giving off mixed signals. And this is saying much as I am usually horrid at detecting these. She was very curious about my past dating history and asked a lot of questions. I’ve always tried to be honest so while I didn’t go into any great length or detail of my most recent relationship, the woman questioned me for waiting so long. In her original tone I sensed a certain reproach from her and certainly implied I was foolish to wait so long for someone who I only dated briefly. I found myself becoming very defensive; however I tend to use [self-deprecating] comedy as a shield. In hindsight, I was frustrated because she was questioning the validity of my feelings; judging that my feelings weren’t justified. I was somewhat offended but at the same time I could sense that she wasn’t doing it out of malice either. She invited me to go to a singles hiking trip.
While the whole experience with her was a mixed bag, I agreed mostly because I like hiking. The event was mildly fun. I don’t enjoy being in crowds or very large groups (we were 13). By the evening, she asked me to drive her home. She wanted to explain she only saw me as a potential friend. In fact, earlier this year she had gone on break from her boyfriend because he was unable to cope with a lot of professional and legal drama in his life which was affecting the relationship severely. It had been several months and she had been so critical of my own break period because she was having second thoughts of her own. “If he (myself) was willing to wait almost 4 months for a woman he dated for two weeks, should I wait longer?” We had an earnest discussion and I will not share further details here. Nevertheless, throughout the conversation there was still a lingering element of downplaying the validity of my emotions for the woman I was attracted to based purely on the amount of time spent, without accounting for quality or rapport. In the end I counselled meeting him again to see if things have improved as she clearly had unresolved emotions for the relationship. We parted more amicably this time as I understood she may have been projecting her own situation on to me in order to justify her decisions.
The whole experience was interesting because I never really have the opportunity to talk about relationships with someone face to face. In fact, writing this post has been more difficult than I expected it to be by the somewhat public nature of it all. My mother has an uncanny knack of getting me riled up enough to actually open up but her go to response is to say that “women of my generation (and younger) don’t know what they want”. This is not constructive.
A few weeks later, I was performing at the improv theater and sent out invites to everyone I knew. With no new classes at the theater on the horizon, I figured this might be my last show for a while. My best friend and his girlfriend attended. The woman I waited for also came with two of her friends. I knew she was coming, but seeing her again left me very excited. Knowing there were at least 5 people in the audience there to see me perform was very exhilarating. I thrive under stress and it was a great inspiration. Moreso because I did want to reward them, and especially her for coming out to my show. Coupled with my usual nervousness before performing, I was a bit jittery. My best friend noticed this and suggested I sit with her in the audience. That calmed me down because a feeling of disappointment crept into my mind. Fortunately, I was scheduled to perform during the second half of the show so I was able to level myself.
The show went relatively well. Our inspiration was based on what was the audience’s favourite activity this summer. Our suggestion was finding a girlfriend. Of course. On stage we chatted briefly as a group in order to generate additional ideas for scenes . I stayed relatively quiet here because I didn’t want to make things awkward but I really focused on one of the comments from the other performers. He described it was better to meet people in the winter because that’s when we are at our worst because of the weather. I wanted to say I met someone amazing this past Winter but decided against it. Instead, I used that as my inspiration.
I began myscene scene as a typical film noir private investigator. I described a woman coming in to my office, all dressed in red… parka. My best friend laughed audibly because of the subversion of the trope. In it, I would narrate the interactions between us as if to share my character’s thoughts. Each time, describing something less than stellar about her appearance (pale from lack of sunlight, a bit of a belly over Christmas, clammy hands, etc). The audience caught on and were fully into it by the end and in our second pass through with the same characters. The story ended with my character ending the romantic affair because I needed a twist ending to the story and slowly walked off the stage as the lights dimmed.
After the show, everyone was appreciative of my performance. I even had a great moment of physical comedy in another scene. The two women on stage were stuck not knowing where it was going. They kept repeating in a very sinister way “They are dropping like flies”. I stepped forward and then face planted à la Rick Flair in an effort to move things forward.
This shocked the audience from how unexpected it was. The women latched on to this (I also got a compliment from one of them on stage for having a nice ass) as well as the rest of the back line who followed suit and began also falling on stage to diminishing returns.
After the show, I wanted to talk to the woman who I waited for, but she was leaving with her friends and couldn’t wait for the post-show session with my instructor. My best friend and his girlfriend also left immediately. I got home generally satisfied with my performance but the missed opportunity to talk with her bugged me.
A few weeks later, after I felt I was ready to move on, I went on another date, which by pure coincidence was with another Brazilian woman (although she was from Rio). We had a very engrossing conversation and she invited me over to her place for “tea”. Past experiences have made me reticent to accept such invitations or make them. But this time I said fuck it and agreed. The sex was fine. She climaxed multiple times but I couldn’t get to that point. We talked until the early morning before I left. From an intellectual perspective I was very stimulated but emotionally I struggled to connect. It didn’t help she revealed she was a libertarian; a political stance I highly disagree with on many principles. When she cancelled our second date due to mass shooting in her home country, I was far more concerned with the harm done in the shooting than missing the date. A few days later I offered to reschedule but she declined. A coworker of hers she liked asked her out and she felt that was a better match. I was more bothered by how unperturbed I was by this rejection.
A week or so ago, the woman who I waited for messaged me out of the blue from Boston. She was attending a marketing conference and had just listened to a presentation about how Improv helps in the workplace. This immediately made her think of me. We caught up briefly. It was her first time there and I gave her some recommendations on what to see. She followed through with visiting Harvard with her boyfriend. I couldn’t help but double take. It stung a lot more than I thought it would after so long. She immediately felt awkward bringing it up. I told her I felt the same way. While we were dating I only wanted to make her happy. That hadn’t changed even if romance isn’t part of the equation. If he makes her happy, that’s great. Attempting to change the subject, she asked me how my romantic pursuits were going. I was very brief in my answer. I stated the first woman thought I was stupid to wait so long for her and the second date went nowhere. I just haven’t felt motivated to meet someone. She encouraged me to persevere and that the time will come. My cynical side wanted to write back that it came and passed but instead I went for the joke. I wrote my standards might be too high now after meeting someone smart, athletic, attractive and geeky. Catching my drift, she joked in turn that she and her kind are pretty rare. I added that they are like fabled mythical creatures of legend like unicorns and compared myself to Percival for having only glimpsed the elusive grail. She admitted it was a smooth line.
It was my turn to change the subject and I invited her to join a RPG campaign I want to start after my upcoming vacation to Japan. She accepted the invitation and we talked about my trip before calling it a night. The whole conversation was bittersweet. I thoroughly enjoy chatting with her and I’m happy she is doing well but the news of the boyfriend was a real kick to the balls for my self-esteem. She posted pictures of her trip and I share more than a passing resemblance with him. He is shorter, clean shaven (I personally prefer keeping some stubble) and a bit younger. It could just be a coincidence or that we fit her “type”. The bitterness is directed towards myself. Why haven’t I been able to fully move on? I feel completely unmotivated from a romantic perspective and it has occasionally bled into other aspects of my life. The rational part of my mind knows it’s just counterproductive and irrational but the emotions don’t want to completely let go. Normally, my rational mind is extremely dominant over my emotional state. It’s as if the streams have been crossed or something has been broken and I just can’t figure it out or get passed it.