I meant to write this post closer on the heels of my previous blog post. Real life has a knack of getting in the way. I also rewrote the post multiple times as I was never quite satisfied with it.
During the conversation with the woman I dated in February, we spoke about connection. In the goal of finding a long term relationship, a connection should evolve into love. Back when I first started dating, I went on numerous first dates for about 2 years. The common refrain was “you are smart, funny, and handsome… but I didn’t feel a connection.” I’ve written before about my early frustration as I never quite understood what having a connection meant. In retrospect, I concluded I mistook attraction for a connection. There were times in fact I began to question myself whether I was even capable of love. Particularly when some women would seem taken aback later on when I’d go on 2nd or third dates and would answer negatively if I watch porn or ever engaged in sexual self-gratification. It is not a matter of shame, just that if I am not stimulated intellectually and emotionally, I just can’t develop physical lust. I wouldn’t say I am asexual but I am probably somewhere on the spectrum.
On to the topic at hand, when does connection become love? How does love feel like? Can you describe it? Is it the same for everyone? The answers are all subjective. I will relate my two experiences and invite any readers to share their own.
My first love was quite intense. I’d say it wasn’t so much an obsession but I was deeply infatuated with her. Every time she would send me a text or message, I’d get excited before even reading it. I would say, it was the among the biggest “highs” in terms of emotional joy I’ve probably ever had. The intellectual and emotional connection was on a level I had never experienced before which perhaps led me to get carried away in the wave of positive emotions and dopamine. We never progressed far physically because of her religious and cultural beliefs. In fact, her previous relationship had lasted three whole years and she was still a virgin. Suffice it to say, my sex drive was fully engaged and I can confidently say I lusted for her. Knowing we couldn’t engage in sex made that feeling stronger. During our first fight, I felt like shit. Like an ulcer had developed itself instantly in the pit of my stomach. It ate at me the entire day until we made up. When she called it off in light of a job offer outside the province, I was devastated emotionally. However, the manner it was done also contributed to it.
The second time was more recent. From an emotional level, I can’t say it was as intense. A more vivid comparison would be between attending a Rammstein concert in all its pyrotechnical glory and the other to cuddling up by a fireplace reading a great book. Both involve fire and are things I enjoy, but on different levels. I cared for her true, but it hadn’t become a constant distraction. It was definitely more healthy. It’s cliché to say you never forget your first and I can certainly see that now. My feelings for the first were new. I never explored this side of myself. The second wasn’t no less special but I was more mature. From a physical stand point, there was a bit of concern my libido could not match her own as she was liberated sexually. She remains the only woman with whom I felt a deep mutual connection physically as well. After our first time, she said it usually took her approximately 6 months to be able to achieve orgasm with a partner. When it happened the second time we had sex, it became commonplace and I felt a greater satisfaction by bringing her to climax and that led to me “breaking through” myself with her. She was the first person I truly felt comfortable with.
The first love was a raging bonfire; the second a serene sea. Only time will tell if there is a third and what form it takes. I wish anyone who reads this to have found the partner to give them whatever it is they seek, or good luck in finding that person.