How my introversion gets the best of me

My most recent relationship fell through after a little over a month. I caught the flu from her, a teacher with a much better immune system than I, which knocked me on my ass pretty hard. Nevertheless, she was very understanding and came over several times to keep me company. I really appreciated it. It was the first time I was actually able to sleep with someone else sharing the same bed. I’m an extremely light sleeper and wake up quite easily after years of being on pager duty.

When I finally recovered enough to go back to work, I was swamped to catch up and horribly behind on chores and the like. Through this all, I needed as much energy I could muster. As I am inclined to do in these situations, I “shutdown” everything else in order to recharge. Sadly, this included keeping up regular communication with her. While we did message each other twice over the span of a week, she thought I had lost interest in pursuing the relationship. This was not the case. Her doubt grew into something more. She felt she needed space and I agreed to give her all the time she needed over the Holidays except to wish her merry Xmas and happy new year. I won’t share further the why as it isn’t my place to do so. Inevitably, this original doubt led her to profound self-reflection and she regrettably found she no longer felt anything special towards me. We pledged to remain friends and even went out to see the Star Wars movie a few days later.

This isn’t the first time this bad habit of mine surfaced. I have constantly tried to work on it but sadly, this failure is on me. I make no excuses and have to accept the consequences. What troubled me most was when she expressed regret for having these feelings  (doubt and wanting to be alone). I told her she doesn’t have to apologize for her emotions. Not to me nor to anyone. She’s a grown woman. I’m unhappy with myself for having hurt her feelings.

 

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