It’s been a while since I discussed my dating life. I rather not comment on something in progress, but the topic of red flags did come up. It made me think, as I am prone to do, on some of my failures on the dating scene for failing to pick up on these red flags. In essence, red flags for those who might not know, are just warning signs of behaviour or aspects which are deal breakers for someone in a relationship context.
I indirectly touched on this topic in one of my posts. However, that was just the tip of the shit iceberg. Shitberg if you prefer. So without further ado, here are some of my “learning moments” in dating.
This is a pretty straightforward one and which I encountered earlier this year… with 3 consecutive women. In this case, I was an alternative for the woman who didn’t seem ready to commit to a relationship. I was the “fall black plan” whether it wasn’t working out with their current love interest or “until something better showed up”. Long delays between responses or constant last minute cancellations despite apologies it would not re-occur. The most egregious case was one where after not seeing each other for two months I stupidly agreed to see the woman again. We were to meet at the Old Port near the Science Centre. About a half hour before our date, she sent me an email saying two of her friends would be along with us. Too late to back out, I still went. However, in my defense, I had intended to confront her in person about this before proceeding with the date. I didn’t appreciate being taken for granted and the parameters of the date being changed.
Due to transporation issues with the metro (subway for non-Montrealers), I was 15 minutes late. I was without my cell phone due to having to lend it to a coworker who lost hers. I have a corporate cell phone you see. A situation I had explained to my date. Anyways, I waited about 20 minutes at the agreed meeting area and she was nowhere to be found. There was an office party taking place in a reserved area and I went to the front and asked if the woman in question was an invitee. To which, the organizers confirmed she was. So, the only reason she had invited me was because it was convenient to meet after a social event. The organizers were kind enough to allow me to go into the private area but she wasn’t there either. Mildly irate, I left and met some friends I met at improv for Karaoke. Later that night, the woman sent me an email asking me where I was and so forth. When I explained I arrived, she admonished me for not getting in touch with her. She had waited a whole 20 minutes before leaving. Considering the numerous times she cancelled at the last minute, I did not deign to dignify her admonishment with a response.
The ultimatum came from the third woman with whom I had more than 1 date. She was a viola musician studying for her doctorate in music. After a pleasant first date, we agreed to meet again after my next 24/7 emergency pager duty week. Thus it came to my surprise when she called me on the Monday afternoon asking if I could give her a lift to a private concerto she was playing at. One I wouldn’t be allowed to attend. Already, being asked to be a chauffeur after a single date was not exactly polite. At the time I lived on the South Shore and her concerto was scheduled in the middle of rush hour. I ignored the warning sign though and went on to explain to her I couldn’t accommodate her request because I am obligated to respond to any emergencies within 15 minutes for work. If I’m stuck in the middle of traffic, I wouldn’t be able to do so. You see, she had never had a 9 to 5 job in her life despite being 30. Growing up, both her parents were artists as well. She did not understand the concept of a regular routine job. I chalked it up to ignorance and we saw each other twice more.
Nearly all my family members are in Europe and due to my parents eloping from Poland back in the day, I am more an acquaintance than an actual family member to my relatives. So when It was Christmas, I had volunteered to be on pager duty to allow my coworkers to spend time with their families. On the night of the 23rd, the woman called me and asked if I could come with her to her teacher’s Xmas lunch on the 25th. I explained to her once more I couldn’t and why but I would be happy to see her after my pager duty. She then told gave me the ultimatum: “If you want me to be your girlfriend, you have to quit your job.” I have yet to be unemployed.
We all have our “types”. For some reason, there’s a mutual attraction with Persian women. Those I have met in a romantic context were always well-educated and we did have good to fantastic chemistry. This woman however was not entirely fluent in English and she had recently been let go from her job. She was very preoccupied with her financial situation, which is understandable. During our first date, she would always steer the conversation back towards finances. It was difficult to maintain a positive conversation to establish rapport. I explained to her I would like to meet her again but perhaps at a time she wasn’t stressed out. She seemed to be genuinely nice person. Her reply was to accuse me of being selfish and calling my integrity in question. When that failed to persuade me, she tried to guilt me into helping support her.
As some people have told me, I am far too nice for my own good. I suggested she apply to my company and even offered a reference if she required. However, I did not want to be in a relationship with a foundation of guilt or where there is a power imbalance or dependency involved. I haven’t heard back from her since, nor do I wish to in a romantic context after the finale of the exchange. I’m hoping this doesn’t blow up in my face if she did apply over the last few months.